Shamelessly nicked from FreakingNews.com

I’m in a bit of a predicament. Nothing serious of course – I’m not talking about being forced to sell my body because I accidentally got involved with the Russian Mafia. Oh no. Nothing that serious. Nor have I just had a sex change operation, and I’m here to announce that I believe I may have made the wrong choice. Completely trivial compared to that. Anyway, enough humorous non-predicaments, I’ll tell you what’s really wrong.

I want an iPhone. But I don’t want an iPhone. I know they’ll be awkward as hell to use as a phone, but I still want one. I know the phone I’ve just bought is better on paper, but it just doesn’t look as sexy. I can’t shake the fact that I just want a damn iPhone. But I don’t want to be on O2 either. And so my problems continue, whirling around and around inside my confused little head, repeatedly telling itself that it doesn’t want an iPhone, but it does.

So how do I remedy the difficult situation I find myself in? I have a few options:

I create an impenetrable bubble and sit in it until the end of time.
Obviously, this plan has a few flaws, the primary one being that it would be impossible for me to create an impenetrable bubble and then sit in it. The mere fact that I had created an impenetrable bubble would mean that I myself wouldn’t be able to penetrate it, rendering the entire plan completely stupid. Unless I built it from the inside, which would just be silly and impractical. There’s also the problem of sourcing a material that is impenetrable, and taking enough food in there to allow me to survive long enough past the iPhone’s existence. And then how do I get out? See, completely rubbish.

I erase the iPhone’s existence.
I’ve left this plan intentionally rather wide to interpretation, but it’s impossible to avoid the issue that it might be quite hard to erase the iPhone’s existence. I can give it a bloody good shot, but on reflection it’s probably only a marginally easier feat than convincing the whole world that I’m the next messiah. Which leads me on to my next option;

Convince the world that I’m the next messiah and lead them to believe that the iPhone is evil incarnate.
There’s an awful lot of religious people out there, so they could make quite a ruckus if I managed to become their new object of worship. There would be the issue of choosing which religion to appeal to – obviously it would be impossible for me to appeal to every religion. Then there’s the problem of actually convincing people. I reckon if I found a really intelligent scientist with a background in brain-type things I might have a shot. Could be worth remembering this one.

Blow up Apple Headquarters.
Admittedly this is probably the most ambitious plan I’ve thought of, but is no less of a possibility than the rest. There’s only one really big issue I can see with this one: blowing up Apple HQ may lead people to revere the iPhone even more out of respect of all the lives lost in Apple, which could turn my plan on it’s head. Then there’s the issue of probably getting sent to prison. And getting buggered by the bigger boys until the end of time.

So those are my options. Watch the newspapers to see which one I opt for.

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Who am I?

I'm Craig Burgess. I'm a graphic designer. I like writing (obviously), and I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. I also take a keen interest in photography, even though I take a lot of pictures of my thumbs and fingers.

Stuff I Like

The Last
Leck My Arse
A Word In Your Ear
...and this Republic is in Panic.
Darfuria
RewiredMind

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